February 29, 2004
| Ron Weasley, who set forth to understand his sexuality.
Thanks to my great beta hainuwele! Title and summary are also her idea, not mine. And also a big thanks to the people at FAP, I don't think I could have written this without you!
Ron arched his back. Accompanied by a low creaking sound, he slumped back on his bed. He felt warm, sated, sticky... and absolutely wonderful. Until he remembered what he had just been thinking about. Or rather more accurately, who he had been thinking about.
See, Ron had this strange fascination. No, not fascination, because that would imply that he also thought about it when he was absolutely lucid, and he didn't, ever. It was more of a subconscious thing, something he had no control over. It really didn't mean anything. After all, he was a normal, teenaged boy and surely everybody had dreams - or fantasies - like that. Of course, he had never asked anybody, because really, that just wasn't done. It wasn't anybody's business anyway. It wasn't like the whole thing was serious. Or like his subconscious was trying to tell him something. It wasn't slowly taking over his waking thoughts either.
It was absolutely normal to think about one's fantasies once in while, even when one was sitting at breakfast, or in the common room, or in the shower. Nothing abnormal at all. Everybody did it, he was sure.
So, it was nothing at all to be worried about. Strange was only that he just couldn't get the images out of his head anymore. Where had he got those from anyway? Had to be the twins' fault in some way. It always was. The twins or Snape or You-Know-Who, and the last two he didn't want to think about within fifty metres of his bed. Perhaps the twins had given him a sweet that made him fantasize about the most unlikely people. That had to be it. It was just strange that it had lasted for weeks already...
The next night, Ron once again nestled into bed and began his nightly ritual. The orgasm was predictable. His thoughts were as well. He couldn't understand where the images of all the girls had gone. He was sure they had still been there before the holidays. How could they just leave him like that? Leave him alone with all those other thoughts...
Not that those images weren't enjoyable, but he missed his old ones. He had even checked his bed to make sure that nobody had hexed it. Of course, nobody had. Then he tried doing it in a different place, to be absolutely sure. Boy, had he been lucky that Snape only entered the bathroom after he had finished. Still, his experiment brought about the same results. Both were expected, but only one wanted.
After four weeks like this, he was almost ready to owl the twins and ask them. Not quite ready to be harried mercilessly, however. He was going to find a solution.
Two month later, he still hadn't made any progress. He was close to asking Harry for advice... Well, not really. Harry probably knew less about this than he did. After all those Muggles hadn't explained anything to him! That had been up to him and his brothers. Hermione probably would know more about it, but he really couldn't imagine asking her. So he did something truly astonishing: he went to the library - voluntarily.
If it weren't such a serious topic, he probably would have laughed. However, he had to be serious for once.
Where to start? Whenever he had been here before, he had had Hermione to guide him. Now, he would have to find something on his own, or die of embarrassment asking Madam Pince.
He started by looking through the Charms section, and then slowly worked his way through to Defence. Three hours and one book later, he sat hunched over in one of the darkest corners in the library. So far "101 Ways To Make Your Enemy Think He's Gay" by Elagabalus Uranian hadn't turned up anything that didn't need... certain body fluids. He sure as hell would remember if anybody had collected those!
He finished the book an hour later, no smarter than before and still at a loss as to what was causing his problems. Surely, there wasn't a different, much simpler reason? No, he was sure there wasn't. There had to be a totally reasonable solution. He just hadn't found it yet. He would though. He just needed a bit more time. Like five million years. That was it. He didn't need to panic. Everything would be explained. Yes, that was it. No reason to panic.
He was almost afraid to perform his nightly ritual that evening. Every night he had hoped that it would just stop, but it didn't. The images came to him. Images of strong shoulders, slim hips, a stubbly chin and forceful thrusts battled within his mind.
Once again, he lay there sated and more or less satisfied. The realization that today his last real hope had flown out the window was slowly sinking in.
He would somehow, perhaps, maybe, possibly, probably have to confront the idea that he was... you know. Not that there was anything wrong with it, mind you. It... just had never occurred to him that he might be... that way. It was a frightening thought.
What would his friends say? Hermione was a relatively safe bet. She was always on about minority rights and the way everybody should be treated fairly. There was no way, she would discriminate against... gays. How would the others react though? Would the guys cast him suspicious glances? Refuse to shower or change in the same room with him? Perhaps even get more forceful? Then there was his family. What would they say? His mother would be furious. The twins would probably think it a great joke. Percy was still being an arse, so he didn't count, but what about Charlie and Bill? He had always looked up to his big brothers, what if they thought he was a freak? Ginny was as erratic as any of them, but somehow he had a better feeling about telling her. Not that his sexual preferences were any business of his little sister.
No matter how he turned it in his head, he would always be the odd one out. He wouldn't be known as the cool Weasley - that was Bill. Nor would he be the family's Quidditch genius - that was Charlie. He would never be the intellectual one - that was Percy. Or the funny ones - that were Fred and George. Or the cute one - that was Ginny. No, he would be the gay one.
He shuddered. To be reduced to that simple statement made him feel like throwing up. Sure, he had always wanted to stand out from his brothers, but not like that!
No, before anybody was told, he had to decide if it really was true. He had to decide if there was fire to this smoke, or if it was only some kind of normal thing every guy went through.
Right, that was his plan. He was going to look for a likely candidate with whom he could find out if he really was... that way.
At breakfast the next morning he tried to put his plan into action. Which meant finding somebody who was obviously gay and then approaching him.
He peered at the people on the different tables. Surely, there had to be some kind of sign to show him who fancied guys. He automatically dismissed anybody under fifth year. He wouldn't want to be called a child molester after all.
There, at the Ravenclaw table was a guy viewing himself in a pocket mirror. Sure, he wasn't bad looking with his dark brown hair and slightly round face; but that was no reason to sit there looking like a pansy. Ron and his friends never threw more than a glance at the mirror to check for pimples or avoid serious damage while shaving. Despite that strange behaviour, Ron decided to try and intercept the guy on his way out. After all, he wanted him for an experience, not because he liked his personality. With the firm resolution to talk to him and a strangely fluttery feeling in his stomach, he returned to breakfast.
Just when he had made his mind up to leave, he threw one last glance at his future conquest; only to find the execution of his plan somewhat impaired. The guy he had been eyeing now didn't seem all that gay anymore. It was kind of hard to look gay anyway, when you had your tongue down your girlfriend's throat.
Ron's stomach clenched painfully at the sight. Boy, was he glad that he hadn't approached the guy after all; it would probably have been all over school. Okay, it wasn't the end of the world; he just had to keep an eye out for somebody else. With an unwaveringly good mood, he followed Harry and Hermione to the Transfiguration classroom.
Lunch brought him back to the Great Hall. This time he was sure, he would find somebody. Once again, his eyes fell on a possible candidate. He was really starting to get good at this picking-out-thing, even if he did say so himself. During his way to classes he had spotted several guys that he was sure were bent and after lunch, he was going to take his chances.
So much for his theories. Putting his theories into action was a bit more difficult. The first guy he had chosen, a blond seventh year Hufflepuff, didn't seem all that gay on closer inspection. In the hallway, he had walked with a definite swagger to his hips, which had even been visible under his robes. Ron had been absolutely sure about this guy's preferences then; but now that he was sitting, he had something really... manly about him. And sure enough, his misgivings came true when the guy hit a passing girl on her bum.
Ron sighed. This really was harder than he had thought. But he was going to keep his spirits up. There had to be more potential... whatever out there.
Okay, where had he stopped? Ah, there. He had been observing this guy just before lunch and there was something queer about him. Why else would a guy be interested in what one of his female friends was wearing to the wedding of her sister? He had even offered to go shopping with her! Now, Ron knew that was basically suicide; he had had to go shopping with Ginny during the holidays. One had been too expensive, the other too dark, too bright. Another one had made her bum look fat... It had been terrible. From one shop to the next and then another one... and when he finally thought that they had everything the whole thing started over with shoes.
The same guy also looked like he was trying to knock somebody unconscious while he was talking. His hands didn't keep still even for one second. Surely, that had to be a sign that he was gay? It had to be. Now that he could look at him together with his friends, he also saw that he seemed totally uninterested in his beautiful friend. She was constantly leaning over him and he didn't even acknowledge that her girly bits were pushing into his arm or shoulder. He had never seen a straight guy act so unconcerned being constantly reminded that his best friend was a girl.
Ron slowly made to get up and he was just approaching the Ravenclaw table where this guy was sitting, when his plans were interrupted. He had just stepped within earshot when the guy said something to make his friend hit him. He held up his hands and laughed at her tries to reach him. "Oh, come on! You can't expect me not to take advantage of such an opportunity! The girl was practically begging me to nail her!" Ron stopped in his tracks, just before he reached the two and tried to retreat quietly. However, the girl noticed him when she tried to hit her friend once again and looked at him questioningly.
"Did you want something?"
Ron just stood there, frozen and then shook his head wildly. He didn't even try to think of an excuse and just fled back towards the Gryffindor table. Merlin, that had been close.
The next day, he wasn't so sure of his ability to detect guys like him anymore. The last few tries had definitely been hopeless. He still thought that there were heaps of guys who looked or behaved gay, but he was starting to doubt the relevance of their behaviour. After the almost disaster with the shopping guy yesterday, he was careful to observe much more closely. There was this one Ravenclaw he thought radiated gay with the way he was constantly touching one of his male friends and didn't even seem to notice his beautiful female friend. Then he actually leant in and gave his male friend a kiss on the cheek, only to be slapped upside the head by the girl next to him. All three of them were laughing and then he leaned towards the girl and gave her a kiss. It was really all quite confusing.
Quidditch practise that evening finally gave him something different to think about. Or at least he had thought that it would. However, after practise in the changing rooms, his thoughts were once more drawn to the subject.
He was busy tying his shoes, when he noticed it. Gabriel, one of the chasers on the team had shaved legs! If that wasn't a sign of gayness, he didn't know what was.
His mood picked up straight away and he started to think of ways to talk to Gabriel.
The best would be if he did it as soon as possible, or he'd perhaps chicken out. Therefore, when all of them left the changing room and were on their way back to school, Ron hung back a bit und inconspicuously walked next to Gabriel.
Now, how to start the conversation. He had had prepared a little speech for this event, but that hadn't been made for somebody from his own team. Somehow, he didn't think "Hey, I know you don't know me, but I noticed that you seemed to fancy guys and wondered if you were up for a shag." would go over terribly well.
He had to think of something fast, because they were almost back at the school. The rest of the team was several metres in front of them and he could see Harry laughing with one of their beaters.
In the end he just did, what he always did, start babbling. "Hey, Gabriel?" He turned to him and smiled. "I was wondering... I noticed, you know... that about you. And I was wondering if you... uh... might be... you know... interested...." There he had asked.
Probably not clearly enough though. Gabriel was looking at him like he had just started discussing Potions theory. "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. What do you know about me and interested in what?"
Ron took another deep breath. Okay then he would have to be even more specific. "I just mean... back there... I noticed you'd shaved your legs..."
"I didn't... I mean it doesn't... it was just because of a bet, you know." He laughed quietly. "I mean I'm not a pervert or anything."
"Oh, so you're not...?"
"Not what? - Wait! You thought I was a... a... and you were what? Coming on to me?"
Ron felt as if all his thoughts had been painted onto his face and he purposely looked away, not realizing that it only made him look more suspicious.
"YOU WERE! I can't believe it! Stay away from me! I am NOT fucking QUEER!"
Ron could feel his blood run cold as Gabriel stamped away.
He looked up. They stared at him. Everybody on the team had turned around. They were staring a hole into him. He tried to not meet any of their eyes and at the same time look nonchalantly. He failed miserably. It was impossible to avoid their stares. So he did the only thing possible; he ran.
Ron had had enough. He stormed up to the common room and minutes later crossed it in a blur. Once in his dorm, he took a flying leap at his bed and landed on it, facedown. He just hoped to forget this day. It had been one disappointment after another, ending in the most humiliating scene of his life. It really wasn't fair. He thought he had been incredibly relaxed about this whole new thing. He hadn't freaked out, hadn't resorted to violent outbursts and after all, he had only wanted to make sure.
Sure, he had been in denial for weeks, probably months, but who wouldn't be? It wasn't every day that you had to redefine your whole outlook on life. In his opinion, he had handled it amazingly maturely. He really should get points for that, but everybody just seemed to conspire against him. There should be a law or something that prescribed that everybody who wasn't sure about his sexuality should be entitled to one free learning experience.
He sighed into his pillow. There was no other way; he probably would have to take the risk of telling without being absolutely sure. That was if Gabriel hadn't shouted it from the roof tops.
Harry and Hermione had noticed that something was wrong with him over the last few weeks and he was only waiting for them ganging up on him to talk. They had been throwing him concerned glances ever since he started to space out from time to time. When he even stopped eating everything within reach to pursue the guys in the Great Hall, he had seen them exchange more than one worried glance. There was no way around it. He was going to face the inquisition soon. But what was he going to tell them?
He snorted. He didn't know if he had to say anything at all after the scene outside. Harry probably already knew, and then Hermione knew as well. Of course, it was always a possibility that Harry hadn't caught the meaning of the whole fiasco. At least that was what usually happened when somebody said anything remotely related to sexuality. Honestly, he had never seen such a late bloomer as Harry.
He could see the scene now.
"Hermione, what does it mean when somebody is called queer?"
Worried glance. "Don't listen to these idiots, Harry. They are just prejudiced about anything that is different."
Annoyed sigh. "I know that. I just wanted to know what it meant."
"It means homosexual. But don't worry if anybody called you that. They don't know what they are talking about."
"Nobody called me anything." Pause. "But Gabriel called Ron that after they walked together for a while."
While he was imagining this conservation, he didn't even hear the door opening and closing, or the hesitant footsteps approaching.
Therefore he gave a very embarrassing squeak and fell off the bed when he heard a voice behind him. What's wrong with you? You shot through there quite fast." Dean looked quite uncomfortable. Peripherally, Ron wondered why, but he was too busy trying to come up with a harmless answer to really think about it.
"Oh, it was nothing. Just had a little run-in with Malfoy. You know what an arse he is." Inwardly, Ron cringed. That had been a stupid lie.
Consequently, Dean looked very unconvinced. "Oh yeah? Why didn't you storm into the common room then and go on about for at least half an hour, like you usually do?"
Ron swallowed. There was that. He knew that he had to look stupid, still sitting on the floor, staring at Dean. Perhaps he should say something else. Just what?
Dean sat down on the edge of Ron's bed, his gaze still boring into him. "You have acted strangely lately, you know." Ron didn't know what to say to that statement. He just wanted to tell somebody what had been going on in the last months. He, however, didn't even know how to tell his best friends, not to mention one of his roommates.
So, he did the Ron thing. "I'm gay." He just blurted it out. No surprise Snape was convinced Gryffindors were all a bunch of brainless, rash idiots. Sometimes he thought the same thing himself. He waited with baited breath for a reaction from Dean, but was totally unprepared for his chuckling.
"I figured that." He burst out laughing, still looking at Ron intently. "You look like Snape after he got that valentine last year."
Ron was still too astonished to speak. Here he had been angsting over the reaction of his friends and when he finally told one of them he just got, "I knew."?
"How?" He finally realised that he was still on the floor and propped himself up on his elbows and then crawled back onto his bed. Dean was still snickering, but finally got himself under control. He started ticking off on his fingers. "First clue: Ron-Why-Don't-We-Walk-Naked-All-Day Weasley started to change on his bed behind his curtains. Second clue: Ron-I-Like-To-Sleep-Until-Lunch Weasley started getting up early to shower before everybody else. Third clue: Ron-I-Have-No-Modesty Weasley started turning red whenever one of us changed in front of him." Ron was getting increasingly uncomfortable. He didn't know that he had been so obvious. "And the last clue: I think you're gay and as the saying goes: it takes one to know one."
Ron gaped. He knew that he was supposed to say something at least half-way intelligent, but his mind refused to work past screaming, "Good-looking, potential... whatever in front of you!"
Dean was looking to be patiently waiting for his brain to catch up. He had an indulgent smile on his face, but the amused look in his eyes was making Ron feel naked. The solution to his problems couldn't have been in front of his nose the whole time, could it?
Apparently it had been. The next moment Dean was leaning over to Ron and started kissing him.
At first Ron didn't react at all. His brain was still stuck on the fact of finally having found someone who shared his tastes. However, when he felt Dean's tongue against his lips, his body started responding. He enjoyed the feel of Dean's slight stubble against his face and wasn't even worrying about that anymore. At the moment, the only thing on his mind was the question how they were going to get out of their clothes.
Ron started by wrestling with Dean's tie and robe and once he had finally managed to loosen both, he drew back a bit and pushed them off. In his concentration he hadn't even noticed Dean doing the same to him.
They were both kneeling on the bed, breathing heavily and looking seriously rumpled. Thoughts of what was happening and especially how fast it was happening were careening through Ron's head. He didn't care. He just knew that he finally had something he'd wanted for a while and there was no way he was going to stop now!
In silent agreement, they both lunged at each other again. Ron going for Dean's belt buckle while Dean started struggling with his shirt. Within minutes they were both naked.
They were still kneeling on Ron's bed, but then with one push, Ron was suddenly on his back; Dean poised above him. Then Dean slowly lowered himself. Ron first felt the contact on his thighs, and then their hips and chests touched. He could feel Dean's cock next to his own.
This was good. Better than good actually. Certainly, much better than in his dreams and fantasies. The way he could feel Dean's shoulders under his fingers, could stroke his stroppy hair. Although Dean wasn't exactly built like the guy he had dreamed about, it was nevertheless very nice. And not only nice. Bloody spectacular would be a far better description. The feeling of Dean atop him was incredible.
Their naked bodies were rocking against each other. Dean was kissing him again. Ron could feel the spring winding inside him.
And then it released. He looked up sheepishly at Dean, an apology on his lips, but what he saw took his breath away. Dean's eyes were closed, his mouth slightly open, taking in deep breaths. Little droplets of sweat were pooling on his forehead and with a twitch Ron could feel more wetness on his stomach.
Dean slumped against him and even the prospect of the two of them sticking together later couldn't rouse Ron. Just before dozing off, the one thought that had plagued him the last months came into his mind. Oh yes, he was gay, all right.
|Did you enjoy the story? Was there anything you think I could do better? Please, let me know!