| Darkness Surrounds Me
It wasn't supposed to be this
way! It has never been this way and I don't want it, but at the same
time I can't deny that it is there - inside me - around me - biding its
time - waiting for me to come around - to see clearly - to choose ...
still I can't. What would happen if I did? I could never look at myself
again, Sirius would despise me - no he wouldn't, he doesn't even seem
to remember I exist.
One mistake, no, not a mistake, but
a horrible, unforgivable, unrectifyable blunder that caused too much
pain for anybody to bear. And it ended my life; no I'm not dead. It's
not that good, I have to live and hear and feel and see what my choice
did to the ones I love, but that don't love me. That will never love me
again. That can't even stand to be in the same room. That can't stand
to look into my eyes. That don't see their friend when they look at me,
but a monster that led them to destruction and that they'll never
At first I tried to wait it out, after months it
became clear that I had lost them forever. That nothing could bring
them back - and it was all my fault.
I used to look at
them with a pleading in my eyes, to bring them to say something
anything, just a normal "Hello, Harry." or "How are you?", but all I
got were blank stares as if I wasn't there, as if I never existed. As
if we hadn't spend the best part of the last six years to keep each
other safe, to survive, to be friends..
That's when I
decided that I couldn't take it anymore. But even ending everything was
something that I couldn't do properly. I tried and tried again and
failed and failed again and now I stopped trying because I won't
succeed. No matter what I try everything shatters around me. I tried to
save them and was too late, too impressed by myself, too dependent on
my luck, too naive, too weak to counter him. I'll never forget the look
in his eyes when he was killed before my eyes and I couldn't help him.
I could never help any of them. I just stood there and survived and
survived again and lived through it again and again every night when I
closed my eyes, when I looked into their eyes, when I stared at the sky
or the ground or the wall.
Just making sure I'll never
forget that this happened because of me, because I was foolish, because
I underestimated the enemy, because I believed in the good of people,
because he's too powerful and I'm too weak.
That is why
I'm here now: because I'm weak, because I'm detested, because I can't
live like that anymore and because I have to suffer. I deserve to
suffer. I will suffer. That is the one thing I'll get right.
tired of fighting, fighting on the outside, fighting on the inside,
fighting a part of myself. I'll stop fighting and just pretend I never
did. I'll suffer and pretend others won't suffer with me. I'll fail and
be happy others don't have to pay for it. I'll follow and not be the
leader. I'll be weak and nobody will be disappointed. I'll just stop
being myself and nobody will know it has ever been me.
door in front of me opens and I'm led inside. Everything around me is
black, except him. He's there. Sitting. Waiting for me. Just like I
remember him. Tall. Powerful. Frightening. Distant. And at the same
time he feels like home. This is something I've known all my life, I've
craved all my life, I've fought way too long: I'm finally home.
fall to my knees in front of him and hold out my left arm. I feel a
searing pain in it and know that from now on everything will be
different, then it stops and I look up into his face and whisper "Thank
you, my Lord."
Darkness Surrounds Us
he is. On his knees in front of me. Does he know how long I have waited
for this moment? How much time I invested in seeing him like this? How
many of my Death Eaters were sacrificed in attempts to bring him over
to my side?
And here in front of me, is the benefit of
all this work. This moment is something that I have waited for for
years. And now it is happening.
The saviour of the
wizarding world in front of me. With his head bowed - a picture of
capitualtion. Black mop of hair. Pale skin, translucent in the sparse
light. Shivering from the cold. And still so brave. Exposing his
unmarred skin. Flinching when I make it mine. THANKING ME. I am the one
who has to thank. Those fools - who thought he was their hero - that he
was perfect - infallible - that he could give them everything they
needed - that he would have a chance against me. Against my seduction.
Against my power.
That any of them will have a chance. Fools. Every single one of them.
will never survive because they drag their morality behind them like a
weight of lead. They burden themselves with their ethics and honour and
ideals and righteousness and virtues. Afraid of sullying themselves
with dirt and filth and corruption and depravity and foulness and
But not him. He is not afraid of those things. He embraces those things. He left behind him all those noble conceptions.
they - his friends, his mentors, his family - smoothed his way. They
made him choose this path at his crossroad of life. And they don't even
realise what they did.
That they did me a favour. That
they defeated themselves. That all their fighting against the rightful
order of the universe will only lead to their destruction. That they
don't stand a chance. Against me. Against him. Against us.
US. Before it was me against him. Now with an us, we're unstoppable. Nothing and nobody will be able to stand in our way.
those fools of the Ministry, or the idiots at Hogwarts, or the
simpletons of the Order. And when they are defeated, it will be mine.