| no pairing
February 20, 2004
| A letter from Harry to Sirius about fifth year.
I'm writing you because I wanted to tell you that I finally managed to follow your advice.
I'm sure you are wondering what the hell I'm talking about, but remember the Christmas after fifth year? Yeah, that's the advice I'm talking about.
I know you must be laughing yourself stupid right about now. Well, even more stupid than usual.
It took me long enough to finally admit to the stuff you told me, but I finally got it.
You know, I think the crush I had on Cho was only because she was safe. The whole unreachable-thing. Popular, with a boyfriend, pretty and one year older than me. That way I didn't have to deal with these strange feelings.
Then at the beginning of fifth year, she had suddenly become reachable and I just didn't know how to explain that I wasn't interested anymore. I mean Cho knew that I supposedly liked her and Ron and Hermione knew and I just didn't know how to tell them that I didn't want to go out with Cho. So I just went along.
I even kissed her before the Christmas holidays. I was really unimpressed with it at that time. That was what all the fuss was about? I'm sure you're glad to know that I've changed my mind since then.
And then you came along, wanting to 'talk' to me. I thought you would give me the usual father-son talk. I think I even teased you about being a bit late, because the Weasleys had already had that dubious pleasure. Boy, was I glad that Uncle Vernon never tried to do that. He might have spared Voldemort a lot of worry.
But you, you just smiled and started to talk about how some teenagers were confused about who they really liked and that it was okay to prefer something different to somebody else.
I was mortified. You almost gave me a heart attack, making me think you had discovered my secret. I didn't want to even acknowledge the possibility, so I just told you again and again that I didn't know why you were telling me things like that. Seems pretty stupid from where I'm standing now, but at that time...
And you just wouldn't stop talking, so I just left and didn't talk to you for days. I was scared to death that somebody had found out and at the same time *so* bloody relieved that there seemed to be others like me out there. That you probably would understand. That at least one person wouldn't hate me
I just wish that I had had the courage to talk to you. Had had the courage to tell anybody before now instead of hiding my feelings.
But when I was back at Hogwarts it just was the same again. I was afraid of what others would say, of me disappointing them. So I just hid behind my mask of anger.
You know how I spent Valentine's Day? Sitting at Madam Puddifoot's listening to Cho cry, watching a guy from Hogwarts and his girlfriend snogging and wishing that I was in her place.
Pretty pathetic, isn't it? I think I should just have ended it with Cho right then and there; would have been fairer towards her and me as well.
So, you can imagine how relieved I was when I finally had a good reason to break up with Cho. At least it was a good enough reason that nobody got suspicious.
Then came the biggest hit: your death. I still can't think about it without feeling a pang of loss. I would love to talk to you again, not just writing this stupid letter. Tell you face to face how much you helped me last Christmas, even though I hadn't been able to accept it yet.
But now I am ready to accept it and tell my friends about it. I don't care anymore how they are going to react. Well, yes. I still care. But the worry isn't keeping me from telling them and finally coming clean anymore.
Wish me luck, Sirius. I just wish you were here now to see me. And to know that you would have made a great parent.
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